I'm excited to see that the rumours are subsiding.

Though people need to check with me before jumping to conclusions.

Neverminding boys (I can do better than that anyways) Life is at its best right now.

My grades are up, things are well with my friends and family.
I GET MY CAR SOON.


Yes, Yes!
Mine for 3 grand.

I have another photoshoot on Monday, Saturday I get to see Copeland acoustic, Sunday is my date with Shue, Then that week, I leave for NY! First class flight, Ritz with a view of times square when I arrive. Come March, I get to spend a week with my mother in Colorado <3


She's still not doing great health-wise at all.

Besides that, I could not be happier.

I don't need boys.

Though I miss having Austy Wausty as my BFF right about now.



This was only posted to take up time.
No comments needed.


Peace.

I really love it when



people forget about me.

Why is it that when I don't have a "Best Guy Friend"
I don't feel secure,
and I feel all alone?
This is the first time ever that I've not had one,
and I feel really awkward.

But I don't see why, because I have plenty of
"Best Girl Friends"

It's just really unusual for me.
I guess having no dominant male figure in my life
Causes me to depend on a boy for reassurance?

I loathe New Years.

New years eve night always turns out completely lame no matter how many parties I get invited to.

Resolutions are a waste of time, as is the whole point of new years itself.

I started off this year on the most negative note ever, and I figure that's how the entire year will be.

I'm a wreck.

And as of now, I don't see anything I could do to change that.

I guess there are a few things I wouldn't mind seeing changes in for this year...

I need to stop spending time with negative people so much, it's getting to me, and it puts me in a bad mood, making me negative about everything as well.

I need to start ignoring the fact that my best friend is a total knockout.
Doesn't mean that somewhere, someone, could, for once, fancy me to her.
I'm afraid to bring her places with me, in fear of how many people she'll take away.
I love you Ashley Shue, I'm sorry.

I seriously, honestly, need to get past the fact that my mother, the person who I'm closest with in the world, is now 33 hours away. No matter if we've lived without eachother for 10 years, I have shared this bond with, simply over telephone conversations, letters, and a few spontaneous visits, has become the most important person in my life. She is why I am the way I am, and I see so much of her in myself more and more everyday. As does everyone else who knows her. It's come to the point where if people even mention the word "Mom" in the simplest form, I could break down, no matter the environment around me. She's gone, and isn't coming back, and I really need to get over that if I plan on living a healthy, happy life.

I also want to find some confirmation that my biological father is honestly deceased. I'm just dying to meet him, to see if he'd like me, or maybe he could help me understand this whole mess of a thing I call my life. I have these worries that my grandparents want to hide him from me, because he's all up into that whole drug thing, and so they tell me he was hit by a train. How believable is that? Not very much so. When I find some confirmation that he is no longer living, I'll be disappointed, but satisfied, knowing the truth.

I have given up on boys, I honestly don't care anymore.
They are all the same.
It's kind of inconvenient being attractive sometimes, because you never know if someone likes you yourself, or just for your appearance.
This is why I'm not trying anymore.

There are so many other things on my mind right now, I'm like an emotional time bomb, about to burst at any moment, but as of right now, the thing I could use most, is sleep. And a lot of it.



<3 Savannah Lynn

December Eleventh, Two Thousand and Seven.

I have been dreaming more and sleeping less.

I'd fancy meeting someone who somehow helped this whole

m e s s o f a w o r l d

make SENSE.

One of those people whom you can trust as a friend, but when the time comes, they reveal that "SPARK". The spark that leaves me feeling senseless, sleepless, thoughtless, and
ridiculously kind to any other person not as fortunate as I to have possessed such a thing.

What is the true purpose of life? Is it happiness? It couldn't possibly be, as to people never give up on trying to better themselves, or perhaps become someone else, someone better. Anyone but themselves.

Therefore, they could not possibly be happy, truly happy. It's a rather hard thing to gain. Because T H E R E'S A L W A Y S S O M E T H I N G B E T T E R O U T T H E R E.

I believe that no one will find that unrefined contentment until they find their other half; their "spark".

I simply hope that someday, all of the time I spend wishing for others will pay off in my favour, as to it is most certainly working for them, already, and I love that.

I have just been longing for a real, actual conversation with someone who will not speak to me in sonnets the first time we meet each other.


December 13, 2007

I K N O W I'M G O O D F O R S O M E T H I N G, I J U S T H A V E N'T F O U N D I T Y E T.

I am going to miss the comforting feeling of the one last person who loves me more than anything being only three hours away. Those three small hours have suddenly progressed into thirty three hours.

I'M A L R E A D Y A W R E C K.

I find myself putting a distance between me and everyone else. What is going to happen when I lose my one last hope in this world? I can't keep hiding from everyone. Maybe this could make me stronger.

I know I won't exactly favour being completely alone.

It has come to the point where I do not even let myself out. All I allow myself to do is try to impress EVERYONE, which I have found is not exactly possible.

The only time I speak to my family is when I am trying to convince them of what a perfect child I am (or pretending to be) when all I really want to do is just let go, break all of the rules, go somewhere far, far away and start brand new.

I was not meant to be contained in this conformity.

I want to live across the world, forget about everything, and hope that people do the same when it comes to me.

I have recently let go of everything that has ever meant anything to me, and as of now, I have got virtually nothing left.

Everyone has got something, or someone B E T T E R than me, and I am just looking to be someone's "BETTER" for once.

My mother did not go through labor, while earning herself the nickname "Lungs Llewellyn" for me to quit and run away from the world, to be a failure, all alone.

So I have got to do my best while I am here.

I've got to make someone proud.

When I witness two people sharing their "spark" with their "better" I start to ponder on what I could improve when it comes to myself. So that one day, perhaps, I could be someone's "better". Maybe I could produce a "spark" with a "better" of my own, if I am ever so fortunate to find one, that is.

I must have committed the absolute worst, as to I have not once received someone to share my thoughts with, as everyone else has.

Someone who misses me at night, as they lie in bed, as well as day, when they are with their friends, wishing they could be elsewhere.

With me.

I really despise the fact that no one takes animal rights activists seriously.

I speak my mind about the subject every day, and end up getting made fun of by immature, disrespectful, having-a-hard-time-getting-through-puberty people.

I'm not doing this because being a vegetarian/animal rights activist is the cool, hipster thing to do.

I have respect for every living thing on this Earth, I believe in Karma, and that Animals have all the same feelings as we do. I just want peace and happiness for everything and everyone.

We can't do that by killing and abusing animals.

I'll admit, it bothers and annoys me when people put me down and laugh at me for being so consistent with my activism, and speaking my mind.

But I'm not going to let it stop me, go ahead, laugh, you're making me work even harder to shove it all in your face once day.

I can't stand boys.
I can't stand girls.
So who's there left to stand?
Can I get some men and women up in here?
Please, grow up already.
This is ridiculous.

It's about time for me to meet someone worthwhile.
I need it.


So what do I think of the whole situation with uhm..
mister slutty pants?!?

I think it's absolutely repulsive.
The whole thing makes me want to choke.

EW.

I'm glad to be getting my old friends back, and becoming closer with my best friends,

Most of all.

Getting rid of the ones who are worthless.
I think you know who I mean.


<3!
I'm pretty happy these days.

Still at home, recovering from my second oral surgery.
This time around I feel far worse than I did the first time, recovery is slow and painful.

After the big fight my family and I had the night of Dr. Acula (which I unfortunately could not attend, even after finding a ride with Austy and some cash) we came to the conclusion that I will be on "Serious Grounding" until I have no F's and preferably no D's.
That night is when I told them about my plans of dropping out, and having my friends take care of me when I need it, when I'm older, and that I didn't mind being a failure, that it's what I wanted, because it's easy.

I am lazy. But I'm a sixteen year old girl, what more do you expect?

I will try harder, because I do have a goal for myself, it's harder than what you've got planned, that's for sure.

I'm going to change the world :]

I made a list of things I want to work on while I'm grounded.
I want to learn how to cook. Sure, it's funny seeing a SIXTEEN year old not know how to work a stove, but it's also kind of sad. And I think being able to cook is desirable to the male species.
HAHA. 2 of my close guy friends want to be chefs, and I'm thinking maybe they can help me.
Coincidentally, anyone could be of help, because I still depend on other people to feed me. :/

I also want to learn how to play guitar.
I have a perfectly nice one sitting right here, and have since about 6th grade, and I have barely laid a finger on it. Austy said he would teach me, but I don't really know how that would work out. Maybe I can teach myself. If I can teach myself Japanese, I'm almost positive I can teach myself how to play an acoustic guitar.

I want to work more on my writing. This is going to sound cocky, but I'm a pretty amazing writer when I try. I've never had anyone tell me any different. Sometimes I write down things randomly, the outcome is really great when I put it all together. I've got more time to myself, therefore, more time to write, and come up with something people will pay attention to.

I need to start working out. I'm tiny, I know that. But I've got this body of what looks like a 32 year old woman's. I don't really favour my curvy structure, and I'd like to sculpt myself into a 16 year old's figure. Nice and skinny. I don't fancy the whole "Hourglass" thing on me. I'm not gaining any weight, but I'm not doing anything to lose any either. Time to put that ab-lounger to work.

Well here it is, my permit. I've been sixteen for five months and don't even have my PERMIT. My parents have said they'll get me a car whenever I want it, I've got the drivers handbook, I've got everything I need to get it, just not the patience, or attention span. Every time I look at that wretched booklet, I know I'm in for the most boring, possibly 14 minutes I spend scanning through it, in my life. I don't learn by reading, I have to write things down to memorize it, and no way am I taking notes on THAT. But, I do need a car, because I have people to visit, friends to keep, and places to go. All of my friends have cars, so you'd think that'd motivate me to break the laziness? no. But when I do get my car, I'm not going to have any rules, do whatever you want, I don't mind. That's how I am about everything. I just like to have fun, and for people around me to be happy. I don't mind if my car's dirty, or I get in trouble, or about paying me for every half an inch I drive you. I can PROMISE you that now.
I am a care-free; drama-free person, and that's how I am about EVERYTHING.

As of now, I do not regret graduating from modeling school, because that diploma is promising me almost any job I apply for. They have regular, non-graduates apply for jobs all the time and they get the job, but an extra something could make it worthwhile. My parents have already found a few jobs for me as a movie extra, and they get paid a ridiculous amount. Just have to get my grades up before I start working. They've already informed me of a few jobs I could start doing now, that pay 8 dollars an hour. Now I realize how lucky I am to have graduated. Those few months attended at that school have guaranteed me jobs from now on.

My mother is moving to Colorado within the next couple of months. Dennis has found a job there, in Grand Junction paying him $85,000 a year. My mother can also get insurance up there, which she needs more than anything, due to her epilepsy. I barely see her anyways, so it won't make that much of a difference. Besides, Dennis promises that he'll be making enough money to fly my sister and I up there regularly. It's what is best for them, and that's all I'm interested in. Dennis, My mom, William, Nathan, and Caitlynn came to visit Saturday, and we spent all day together, just having a good time, and I needed that more than anything, but when it came to saying goodbye, we stood there in front of my house, holding each other endlessly, crying our eyes out. I'm so worried about her. My little brothers are so smart, and doing great, my baby sister is the cutest thing I've ever laid eyes upon, Dennis is perfect for my mom, but it's her I'm worried about. She's alone at home all day, no one watching her, she could have a seizure at any moment, and no one would be there, that's so scary to think about. When I graduate, I plan on living with her for however long she needs it.

I realized my confidence STILL needs some work. Obviously I am much more comfortable with myself than I was before. But I still come to the assumption that everyone hates me, and that is certainly not the case. I actually see myself becoming more and more shy each day. I'm afraid of being rejected, I just want everyone to be happy with me, and around me. That is of course, not at all possible, but somewhere in my mind, I believe it is, and I keep trying to get there. I need to spend more time with my friends, before I go out meeting more people, I guess. I need some work, and a lot of it.

I picked out two things I want for sure, for Christmas.
1. Fisheye Camera- $70.

So you think I can't take good pictures just because I'm not in photography class?
WATCH ME. I'm taking my creativity to the next level with the FISHEYE LENS! Muahahaha...
btw, Ashley's default, credit to ME. :]

2. Jamie Campbell Bower

knthx.
hahah<3

I've got some plans for when I get off of grounding.
I want to spend some time at Lake Eola. I remember going there frequently as a child,
and I'd like to go out there with some friends for a day.
I want to go to the Dandelion Cafe with Clemente, and to that new furniture store they're opening.
Ashley and I have made plans to go double-date bowling, and pull of a "Dan in Real Life" moment. That'd be cute.
I want to go on a picnic, and to downtown disney, and to the beach, but it has to be during fall or winter, so I can wear my cute little dress.
I want to have a big movie night with all of my friends.
I want to play dress up and do a crazy photoshoot.
I want to go to a carnival, (remember Ashley?!)
I want to go on a road trip.
I want to make clothes with Ashley Aschoff.

I just want to have a good time.
Right now, these people are making everyday worthwhile, whether it be their daily phone calls their visits.






<33!





I can't complain, life is pretty nice.

Bro.
It's 7 in the morning.
Romie came in my room while it was still dark outside
"IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, SISSY!"

Good thing she's cute, or I would have sent her back to bed. hahaha.

I tried going back to sleep, her in my bed watching cartoons.
That didn't happen, so here I sit writing a pointless LJ post.

Pretty excited about VegFest today.
I've only been one for a little over a year now,
But i'm pretty big on animal rights,
and I don't even mind getting in trouble for it every now and then.

Anyways, we've got some friends performing there,
then I'm going to a yoga class,
after VegFest, my daddy's taking me shopping for "Normal Clothes"

Because I haven't gone shopping since my decora days, and so I'm wearing clothes
from 8th grade, when I weighed 10 pounds more than I do now, therefore they do not fit.

So I'm excited, and so is he, because I dress mildly normal now.

I'm also going to meet up with my friend Mandy, whom I haven't seen in a few months,
and has been my friend since I was like, 6.
:D

I don't know what I'm doing for halloween yet.
I wanted that French Maid costume, but my daddy said it was too skimpy, wtf.

:/

kbyeee<3

It's so beautiful outside.
This is the one time of the year I cannot whine about Florida, and it's weather.
I even brought my laptop outside, and i'm just relaxing with a chai latte, like always, and
listening to of Montreal.

Ahh, I love days like these.

Life is so good.

I've learned to laugh at the haters, and just kill them all with kindness.
It always works.

I'm alright with only having a few good friends, also.
Most of that has to do with the fact that it takes a lot for me to even consider someone a friend.

I get to go to my mothers for thanksgiving break.
I am honestly ecstatic about that.

Tonight, I'm having a entirely sober night, just Natasha, Ashley, and I, doing things we used to do together when the uhm.."other things" weren't even considered.

We're just going to chill, and watch movies like we used to.

Then tomorrow we're going out to breakfast, then to VEGFEST! at Loch Haven.
So excited!

I got my dress for homecoming, and now, I can't wait, even more. :]


Ahh, things really couldn't be better.

Unless I had a boy, then everything would be PERFECT.

<33